The Great EU House Share

It’s like we’ve organised a house share with our mates in our second year of uni. It wasn’t our idea to start with, but after a few of them seemed really into it we got on board and agreed to split the costs of rent, bills, and occasionally the odd scientific research programme. It meant we could all keep more of our wages and student loans, but we also agreed to use one another’s discount cards. We all made sure that everything was ok with everyone before we made any decisions that would affect us all. We agreed communal areas and private areas. We even managed to let everyone else agree not to come into our bedroom, even though they’d let us go into theirs whenever we want.

Soon afterwards, we realised that we were skint and didn’t have many lectures, and whereas some of our mates were bogged down with work. In fact, we only had a 3-day week… So our German mate invited us into their room, as was agreed by everyone, so that we could work for them and earn a bit of cash while we did it. Once we were back on our feet again and had sorted our workload out, we left, and Germany was cool with that because we’d helped them out and they needed the extra work again. We were all happy.

As time went on, we realised that we were all spending a lot of time discussing things that we wanted to share the cost of. We even agreed to split the cost of milk, but if we were the ones getting the milk we wanted to get to keep the change from the shop, y’know as a subsidy for supplying milk to the people that didn’t/couldn’t supply milk. This seemed to work quite well, as everyone paid in a little bit, and everyone got cheaper milk.

So we tried the same with more of the weekly shop. Flour, eggs, butter, meat… Heck, even wine! And then fish… Oh, the fish…. Why did we agree to the fish? We’re really good at fishing and buying fish, and we’d go and catch/buy loads, and then some of the others would eat more than their fair share. Or worse, they’d sit next to us as the river with a net and steal ours. Or even worse, they’d all stand there and tell us to throw a load away even though it was already dead because I’d caught/bought too many of the same fish… I just wanted to eat a fish!! Ugh… Never mind, at least we’ve got enough fish, and yeah, actually the river was getting a bit low on fish, especially the ones I kept catching and keeping… Maybe they were right…

So we all carried on, and before we knew it our house was doing pretty well. We’d even managed to get more housemates. Some of them even let us buy their cheap fags and booze when we visited their rooms. Some would even let us use their tanning beds, listen to their music loudly, and not get upset when we trashed the place and destroyed their things. They were just happy we were buying their cheap fags and booze (plus it stopped us from complaining about how overdrawn they always were because they wouldn’t get a job).

So as we were all getting along, we started swapping CDs and using one another’s cutlery, and pinching the odd slice of bread. Before it got out of hand, a few of the guys decided that we should swap vouchers for things so that we could all keep things fair, and use them with one another in the house for swapping things. And other people could buy some of our vouchers to swap things when they came over to visit. Like a currency. Now, not everyone wanted in on this, but some people were really enthusiastic, so we agreed to let them do it, and it worked well for them. And although we didn’t join the voucherzone, it made it easier for us, because although we swapped lots of stuff with them, we didn’t spend as much time physically in their rooms – partly because our room wasn’t in the main building, but in the garden shed on the other side of a small water feature. Well, it’s more like a cabin…

It went on, and we all did well. We shared our knowledge with one another, we helped each other with essays, and we even launched a space programme and built a Large Hadron Collider in the back garden (and a bit of next door’s garden – thanks Switzerland!)… We also got super-fast broadband installed, and improved our phone lines, and we even agreed to stop charging more when we used our phones in someone else’s room.

Our rooms all stayed our own, but of course with all the swapping we actually started to get a bit more of one another’s stuff in our own rooms. I mean, our room was filled with stuff we’d swapped with other housemates. Our bed was Swedish (like most of our furniture actually…) and our clothes were French, laying on the floor next to last night’s pizza from Italy. We’d even bought our car from Germany. But then we were quite happy with this, because we’d made a fair amount of money (not in-house vouchers!) from selling them computer games we’d made, and giving them legal advice, and managing hedge funds and investments, and even selling their stuff to our mates.

Speaking of our mates, being in the house share did mean that we missed our old housemates. We’d still hang out with them and play rugby or cricket or football. We’d even let Australia come over and serve us drinks, and India even answers our phone for us and fixes our computer. In fact, if it weren’t for India, we probably wouldn’t know what to eat on a Friday night… But when we lived in our old house we got to tell everyone what to do all the time, and because we weren’t living with these guys anymore we couldn’t really boss them around. But if anything, they like us more now, and we get on better. A lot less time wasted trying to kill one another…

And actually, when we lived in our old house trying to tell everyone what to do, we actually used to try and kill our new housemates too. Quite a few times actually. In fact, we get on really well with Germany and France now that we live together, but when we were on the other side of the street we just used to swear at each other, occasionally try and invade the other one’s house, and ultimately lose a load of money over it all. It’s actually been a long time since we had a proper fight. Yeah, we might disagree sometimes but we don’t fight anymore. And even when we all lost our wallets a few years ago because of that pyramid scheme our old mate America talked us into, we actually worked together to sort it out. Of course, we’re glad that we didn’t have to do much when Greece lost all of its vouchers recently… It was just the voucher zone housemates that bailed him out. Luckily Germany had a lot of vouchers. Probably thanks to that car that it made for us…

But that was quite scary, seeing how many vouchers Greece lost, and how he’s struggling to get a job to pay back the other guys for their vouchers. He can’t even decide whether he’s even into democracy anymore (even though it was his idea in the first place!).

And what about those other guys that have started hanging out with us recently? They seem to be sitting outside our house quite a lot, hoping we’ll let them in. Some of the housemates have even started negotiating whether we let them in, so we made sure we got ourselves heard and put loads of barriers in the way. Not because we’re afraid, but because we’re a much bigger nicer house nowadays compared to when we moved in, and we don’t need someone else coming in here and breaking our stuff, or stealing our first aid kit. Not when we’ve already got Greece to look after. Spain’s not exactly looking too great either. Germany’s been working out down the gym and looks pretty buff, and she’s getting good grades at uni too… But she’s getting a little bossy, like before, which isn’t cool. Luckily we all keep her in check without it escalating to a big fight when she starts claiming ownership of Poland’s room…

That said, these house meetings seem to be getting a little carried away. We’re trying to agree on what sorts of bread we eat, and we need a unanimous decision, but one of the housemates will only agree if we let them bake it all. Seems a bit odd, especially now that Belgium says that the bakers must wear certain hats and shoes when they bake it. And Germany says the ovens have to be a certain standard. And Italy doesn’t want them to make pizza bases. There are a lot of rules here… But then we did help make most of these rules, especially the ones about human rights, and the ones about employment rights that effectively stop modern-day low-wage slavery. And if we’re honest, all the ones about what fuels we use in the house and where we smoke and what gets flushed down the toilet has actually left us with a much nicer bedroom, a tidier garden, and a swimming pool that’s not full of toilet waste. All those rules on what bakers wear is in the interest of the baker, and Italy shouldn’t lose out on pizza business… Plus, we’ve made sure they don’t try and copy our pasties too.

Meanwhile, back in our bedroom, our floor is looking pretty messy. We’ve not really got time to tidy it up, what with all of the technical work we’re busy with now… I know! Let’s get Poland in here to tidy it up. He can fix our radiator too while he’s at it. It’s been years since we invested time and resources into learning those sort of basic trades for ourselves that we’re probably better off getting one of our housemates to do it cheaply. Good job he’s allowed in our room!

Bulgaria’s at the door. Says she can do our laundry and make us coffee, even though she’s a highly skilled worker. Well we’ll pay her a little bit of money, but not much at all. Wow, apparently that’s more than she makes doing her usual job in her own room. Well it frees me up to do more cool stuff, like making pop music, and movies, and developing pharmaceuticals, and building weapons for when we go out in town with America again…

Speaking of which, that whole street of houses around the corner that we’ve been smashing up together? Seems they’re not very happy with us. Some of the houses have gone a bit mental, and their housemates are trying to come around to our house. I mean, we did smash their house up, so we ought to give them a roof over their heads, right? But it’s getting full in our room… Poland and Bulgaria are here more and more… And Romania now… Plus we’ve still got India and Australia hanging about…

Ouch! We’ve cut our finger… Where’s our First Aid Kit? Luckily, some of our old housemates and some of our smaller new housemates are looking after that for us. We can’t even remember how to put on a plaster. Speaking of which, we’re running low on plasters… Hang on, Poland and the rest of them have been using our plasters!!! That’s not fair… Although they have been paying for them through taxes, it’s just we haven’t been investing that money into replacing them, or buying a bigger better first aid kit… Actually, we’d probably need them to build us a bigger first aid kit too… And work for us putting the plasters on and what not…

Wow, that street we smashed up is really angry now. It’s even taking it out on France and Germany for some reason… Wow, France just had its room smashed up really badly while it was listening to some rock music… and last year it got beaten up bad for drawing a picture… And now Belgium!? When it was about to get on a plane!? What the hell?!? This is madness… Good job all of us housemates keep and eye out for each other and share any info we might have on someone wanting to beat one of us up. It stops a lot of these things happening. We’re not gonna let someone beat up our mates in Germany and France!! The last people to do that were… Oh wait… That was us… Well at least we don’t fight anymore! In fact, we get on really well, and have loads in common, especially now that none of us are going to go off the rails because we’d risk losing out on all that money we make from swapping stuff with each other. We even feel safe hanging out together. It’s quite nice, really…

Oh great, now some of the housemates from that street whose houses we smashed up want to come and stay with us for a bit? They’re already in France’s room, and Germany’s… Well they can’t come into our room! We’re already crowded by all of the other guys we’ve let in here. In fact, it’s feeling too bloody crowded in here right now! How come these people are in here, using our first aid kit, and taking up space?! What’s the point of them being in here?! It’s like our bedroom door is wide open, and they can just swarm in here!!! What!? Everyone else says that they can. But it’s OUR ROOM!

No, that’s it. We’re not happy. This isn’t working. It’s gone too far. Swapping CDs and stuff was fine at first, and even sharing milk. But do we really want to be told whether or not we can wear flammable clothes, or whether or not we can let corporations monopolise our industries? Surely we fought against that when we won the war? We fought for freedom, and liberty, right? Like what America believes in… Maybe we ought to move out and go live with America? Or maybe move back in with our old housemates and hope they don’t hate us for how we treated them before? Or there’s that quiet secretive guy, China, we could move in with him… Although he seems to get on well with that Russia fellow, who seems a bit unhinged… We just need to stop for a minute and think this through…

And so here we are… Sat in our bedroom, arguing with ourselves over whether we want to storm out of the house, get rid of our cleaners and nurses and servants, make ourselves homeless, and piss off all of our friends, potentially risking the stability that the UK has gained from the modern Europe that we’ve been pivotal in building. If we leave, we’ll stand outside the house, while they have a house party that we’re not invited to, playing our CDs, and we’ll bitch and moan that we don’t get to choose what music they play.

Or we stay. After all, although we’ve paid a lot of rent to live there, we save a lot on bills and stuff thanks to our agreements… Plus we’ve stopped fighting with most of the people we were fighting with for centuries… And we get to decide what happens in one of the most awesome houses in the town, rather than sitting outside wondering what’s going on inside… It’s not perfect, but even that massive mansion that the United States lives in has got dead bodies everywhere, loads of crime, and a massive mortgage that they owe China… And there’s no guarantee that anyone else would take us in…

Perhaps, rather than trying to blame the EU for our problems, we grow up and take responsibility for ourselves. This doesn’t mean we act like teenagers and storm out, it means we behave like mature adults and work together to fix the house up and improve it for everyone, not just ourselves. We could be part of the future of Europe, allying with our neighbours with whom we share the most in common culturally, historically, and geographically. We could stop trying to fight Europe, and instead lead Europe. If Great Britain is so Great, then we should prove that we able to be captain of the team, not the kid that kicks the ball off the pitch when he doesn’t get his way.

Our future is scary, whichever way you look at it. We are at a very pivotal point in our country’s history. Yes, there are some things about the rest of the EU that are annoying, but we have things they don’t like, such as football hooligans, a cultural arrogance, and a historic love of warfare. Voting to remain isn’t a permanent choice. Just as David Cameron secured election because of his mandate to hold a referendum, should we want a referendum again in 5 years time, we can easily democratically elect someone who will give us one. If they don’t get elected on that mandate, then that is in effect a referendum vote to continue to remain.

We have the choice to exercise patience and show maturity. We can set an example to the EU that reform is needed, and that we are capable of leading that reform. We can take pride in our nation by taking part on the European stage. Or we can choose to throw the towel in, walk away, and deny responsibility for what the EU has become.

We can instead opt for becoming a small island nation, where it’s youth refuse to work as cleaners or cooks because they have been promised a salary of £30k if they study Golf Course Management at uni. We can become a nation without an education, because we allow ourselves to erode away the respect and expertise that teaching professionals have to the point that our teaching crisis disappears because we simply don’t have any teachers. We can become a nation of obese people dying at 40 alongside the elderly living until we’re 100 with nobody to care for us, all because we let our NHS get carved up, and there are no kids wanting to become nurses or care workers because we teach them to turn their noses up at those jobs. These threats don’t come from the EU, they come from our very own democratically elected government. This government that we the people chose in 2015 to carry out exactly this course of action. The same government that is split over the EU, and that will seek to maximise their political gains from the vacuum and confusion and economic instability that they will allow to happen if we leave. They will let it happen so that they can gain most from it. I equally believe that if Labour were in power, and we had the same brexit outcome, we would see them maximise their gains too. That’s politics. A vote at the last election in favour of a referendum was not necessarily a vote for brexit, nor was it a vote for the Tories to determine our new laws and legislation to replace what Britain has influenced in Europe over the past few decades. But a vote to leave will become exactly that.

The EU has become an ugly, confused and cumbersome beast. It makes no sense to alienate it and make it angry. We should instead team up with the rest of the member states to get it back into shape, make it fitter, leaner, and more productive. If we remain, we can address our concerns properly. We voice our issues, we make them known to our other EU members, and if we don’t get anywhere, then we move vote out after we have proven that the EU doesn’t work. Honestly, this is the only interest most people in the UK have taken in European politics for decades, but if we stay we can actually participate. We each have MEPs who are meant to represent us – hold them accountable, and voice your concerns to them. Make them do their job.

The core of the EU started as a trade organisation, and that is what it should return to for the benefit of all of the member states. I just fail to see how we think we can influence that reform by leaving, when we are one of the strongest countries involved. We leave, we’re out of it, and we don’t get a say. We remain, we can start pushing for the major reform needed, and if that fails then we would have proven that the EU won’t work, and we rewind 40 odd years and start afresh. Staying in for 5-10 more years whilst pushing for change is far less risky than leaving and spending 5-10 years negotiating trade deals with a union of countries when we have expressly told them that we don’t believe in them.

A vote to leave is a vote for instability and uncertainty, masqueraded through rhetoric as national pride and regaining sovereignty. If we vote to remain, we still have the Queen, we still have our flag, and we still have democracy – Our sovereignty is intact. We face a degree of uncertainty if we remain, but it is within a known organisation, with known parameters, and existing agreements. Not that we should fear the unknown, but we should perhaps question those who are telling us to jump into the abyss.

I am fed up with the constant rhetoric from both campaigns based on fear. I believe in a politics of realistic hope, striving towards the best rather than shying away from something the media has told us to fear. The Britain that I want to be proud of is the one that is proud to be making the world better, to be part of something larger than itself and to be proud of its future, not just its past.

Vote Remain.